Often I lie awake in my bed at night, not moving, too exhausted even to read. The

ceiling fan turns slowly overhead, the sheets are smooth and comfortable, and the

house lies in the quiet stillness of night, yet I do not sleep. For hours, I am lost in

contemplation, my mind incessantly weaving threads of thought together in strange

patterns. I silently drift in the darkness through a landscape of intangible ideas, groping

for meaning behind the shadow of existence. What is it to be? I have spent years with

this question, privately turning it over, searching for its nature, for the form of its

answer. I have truly been haunted by Being.

Thus philosophy for me was at first a personal matter, a dream that forced its way into

my head during the night. The thoughts arose as from a vacuum, unprovoked, and

persisted in their senseless hold over my mind. Yet slowly I learned that others had

faced these same questions, that they had spent their lives searching for the answers,

and that, most importantly, they had left a written record of their search for meaning.

Great minds throughout history had left a legacy which I could follow, turning my

insoluble reflections into a legitimate, potentially lifelong exploration. As time

permitted, I studied philosophy, reading whatever I could find, and my quest for the

nature of Being took on a more tangible presence.

Last year I joined the Humanities Forum, a program in which philosophy professors

from Emory University and other Atlanta area colleges offer informal courses on a

variety of themes. The classes permitted me to make a more systematic and rewarding

study than my private readings allowed. Each class meets for two hours once a week,

and is composed of undergraduate students, graduate students, and professionals from

virtually every field. I am the youngest participant. I began the program with a twelve-

week course called "Our Civilization, " with primary readings from Alexis de

Tocqueville, Adam Smith, and Friedrich Nietzsche, in which we evaluated what

modern culture has lost in comparison to ancient Greek and medieval value systems

and social structures. Later, in "Plato vs. Descartes: Ancient and Modern Philosophy, "

we explored the distinctive natures of the two philosophical eras by examining the

thought of an influential thinker from each period. I am currently enrolled in

"Heidegger, Metaphysics, and Nihilism." We are examining Heidegger's thesis that

nihilism is the culmination of Western metaphysics by reading and discussing a variety

of his works. Heidegger is the most profound thinker I have encountered; I often find

myself forced to reread passages to grasp the meaning hidden within. In Heidegger, I

have found the closest approach to the truth of Being, the truth I still contemplate alone

at night.

Occasionally I come upon a familiar concept in my philosophical reading, one which I

recognize as my own. To see my private musings, which seemed only ephemeral and

abstract, expressed in the writings of a great thinker excites me to pure exhilaration.

That this elusive creature Being has haunted others gives me hope; I now look forward

to the setting of the sun and the sleepless night ahead.